The letter.........

D.C,

I call you D.C because there is no other name that fits.


Dad - no, too personal.


Father - Bioligical maybe, but I always have the connotation of 'Fatherly Love' 'Daddys Girl' when I think of that.

Parent - Don't you actually have to 'parent' to be called a parent?


I guess I write this now, after a considerable length of time to let you know how I feel. The reason for this is that you aren't around to ask. You never have been. I, in no way, have any intention in sending this to you. The reason being is that I don't see the point. I am 22 years old. There is nothing you could possibly offer me that would make my life any different now or add any value to it at all. I am a woman and you missed out on most of my life. For what? To be with whatever women you ended up with, to raise children that were not your own and finally to have another child who you so dearly care for.


No I'm not jealous. I'm not envious. I'm happy. I am happy that that child will have what I didn't have. You may think that your lack of contact in my life did little to hurt me or little to affect me. But it has. It has and I feel quite ashamed to tell you, or anyone for that matter. I seek constant approval from people, I have an overwhelming desire to be liked and to fit moulds to try and get along with anyone. I am extremely sensitive, I am in constant fear of losing anyone I have around me. I have also been less than successful in relationships. I was never expecting to be married by this point, don't get me wrong, but all my relationships have been a giant leap away from HEALTHY.


Why does that have anything to do with you, you may ask. That's just me. Just my character.



No, D.C. No. As a child, you rejected me, you called my mother names in front of my face when all she wanted is for you to spend time with me. She fought for me when I didn't have my own voice. You refused to spend time with me. You came and went as you please. I didn't see you for years, then you would come along and spend 3 hours with me once every 3 weeks. That lasted for a couple of months, then you decided when you would come and when you wouldn't. I sat by my window watching to see if you were coming. Then, at times you would come at 4 p.m and leave at 5 p.m.


As a child, all I wanted is for you to love me and WANT to spend time with me, being that I was your only child. But you didn't. What did I do? What did I do wrong? I didn't ask to be born D.C. I was a child and you didn't want me. I don't think you realise how that affects someone, because of course, you had your mother and father in your life. Why should I be any different? What gives you the right to walk away from your responsibility?


You have damaged me. Because of your inconsiderate actions and lack of parental guidance or love I have extreme fears that people don't like me, I have extreme fears that I am a bad person and people do not wish to be my friend or to know me. Is it because of the environment I come from? No. Is it because of my mother? No. My mum has survived in a foreign country, she has put her own happiness and life to the side in order to allow me to achieve my goals and be closed to my so-called 'FATHER'.


After all these years, I have tried and tried to make contact with you. I have longed for you to want to spend time with me and love me like a father should. You sent me an email earlier this year, apologising for stuff you haven't done. Yet, you don't list any of this STUFF. Is it because you didn't help me out with money when I asked and you promised? Is it because of all the lies you fed me over the years? About wanting to see me and staying over in my town so we could get a whole day together? I HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG to you to warrant lies and deceit.


This is my first and final letter to you. I sincerely hope your son grows up to be a wonderful young man. I hope you have learnt from your mistakes, for me it is too late, but for your son, it isn't. Love him, cuddle him, spend time with him. Give him the best you possibly can. Show him you can be an amazing father, like you weren't for me. I should have said these things a long time ago but never could find the courage in case you never wanted to see me or speak to me again. I am sorry I couldn't be the child you wanted. I am sorry you don't love me. I am sorry if I ever did anything wrong but I now no longer regard you as a father, dad, parent. In fact, I don't regard you as anything. I wish your son nothing but the best in life, one day I would love to meet him. As for yourself, I have spent too much time dwelling on you being in my life that I would like to say: I no longer need you. I no longer wish for you in my life. I am now going to move on with my life, away from the past, away from all the misery and things that hold me back. I write this letter for closure. To finally get things off my chest, in the hope it makes ME a better person. In the hope, that now, I can draw a line in the sand and do everything I ever wanted. In the hope that now, I can be an amazing woman and have an amazing life because I deserve it. Just because you didn't love me does not mean I am not worthy.


Farewell.